Sex. When you write about life and motherhood, you know it’s going to come up. There are countless topics related to sex and many different reasons to
rant write about it. The good, the bad and the ugly.
During a recent visit to the salon, I overheard a group of women discussing how their husbands and significant others ask for sex. Literally.
“Can we have sex tonight?”
I didn’t join the conversation to commiserate for the sake of my husband’s anonymity in our little burb. But let me just say this for the record. Mine does it too. It irritates me to no end. And it usually earns him an instant no.
Yes, dear. I’m up to my elbows in shit plunging this toilet and while you poking your head into the bathroom for the third time isn’t irritating at all and because this time you’ve asked “Can we have sex tonight?” again, I’m completely aroused. Yes. Yes, we can have sex tonight.
Here’s a seemingly common situation that ultimately drives the question; an obvious check mark made next to a completed item on a prehistoric honey-do list. Yes, dear. Now that you’ve mowed the overgrown lawn to spare us further scrutiny by our neighbors and because you woke me at 5am to make your coffee before doing so, I’m absolutely stimulated. Yes. Yes, we can have sex tonight. In approximately 14 hours. Right after I finish ten loads of laundry.
Men possess a great sense of timing when it comes to sex. Ahem.
Another ask-you-for-sex method that’s merely an extended version of the original question; “Do you want a glass of wine and can we have sex tonight?” Yes, dear. Because while I’m finishing the dinner dishes, cleaning up countless messes left by not me throughout the house and bathing the baby, you’re actually going to get up and leave your remote to get me that glass of wine. Yes. Yes, we can have sex tonight.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t need to be drunk to have sex. I’m 42. Not 24. And wine now makes me sleepy.
The conversation at the salon soon evolved into a full on discussion when a more youthful client mentioned another common peeve for most women. Disgusting man habits. She was surprised her husband has no problem asking for sex while he’s performing his. I quickly realized this 20-something was much too young to know this is customary behavior.
Yes, dear. I’m so glad you asked because having just watched you vigorously –not to mention publicly– scratch your balls for the hundredth time is quite the turn on. Yes. Yes, we can have sex tonight.
Last week when having dialog with Jill Smokler on another topic, I asked her to weigh in on the matter at hand. Scary Mommy is famously honest and here’s her message:
“It’s the little things. Or, at least not ‘hearing’ them. If you plan on seducing me in the bedroom, it would greatly help your chances of success if you shut the adjacent bathroom door while you use it. Hearing a play by play of exactly what’s transpiring in there doesn’t exactly get me in the mood three seconds later.”
My close girlfriends and I realized long ago men believe they need sex on demand or they’ll die. And I’ve heard from more than one that women are responsible for decreasing the life span of men and exponentially increasing their susceptibility to life-threatening illness each time we answer the question with no.
Dude, what ever happened to the back-massage-for-coitus-approach? Seriously. I would totally prefer a well-timed quid pro quo tactic.