Can We Have Sex Tonight?

Sweetness of Life & Motherhood © Can We Have Sex TonightSex. When you write about life and motherhood, you know it’s going to come up. There are countless topics related to sex and many different reasons to rant write about it. The good, the bad and the ugly.

During a recent visit to the salon, I overheard a group of women discussing how their husbands and significant others ask for sex. Literally.

“Can we have sex tonight?”

I didn’t join the conversation to commiserate for the sake of my husband’s anonymity in our little burb. But let me just say this for the record. Mine does it too. It irritates me to no end. And it usually earns him an instant no.

Yes, dear. I’m up to my elbows in shit plunging this toilet and while you poking your head into the bathroom for the third time isn’t irritating at all and because this time you’ve asked “Can we have sex tonight?” again, I’m completely aroused. Yes. Yes, we can have sex tonight.

Here’s a seemingly common situation that ultimately drives the question; an obvious check mark made next to a completed item on a prehistoric honey-do list. Yes, dear. Now that you’ve mowed the overgrown lawn to spare us further scrutiny by our neighbors and because you woke me at 5am to make your coffee before doing so, I’m absolutely stimulated. Yes. Yes, we can have sex tonight. In approximately 14 hours. Right after I finish ten loads of laundry.

Men possess a great sense of timing when it comes to sex. Ahem.

Another ask-you-for-sex method that’s merely an extended version of the original question; “Do you want a glass of wine and can we have sex tonight?” Yes, dear. Because while I’m finishing the dinner dishes, cleaning up countless messes left by not me throughout the house and bathing the baby, you’re actually going to get up and leave your remote to get me that glass of wine. Yes. Yes, we can have sex tonight.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t need to be drunk to have sex. I’m 42. Not 24. And wine now makes me sleepy.

The conversation at the salon soon evolved into a full on discussion when a more youthful client mentioned another common peeve for most women. Disgusting man habits. She was surprised her husband has no problem asking for sex while he’s performing his. I quickly realized this 20-something was much too young to know this is customary behavior.

Yes, dear. I’m so glad you asked because having just watched you vigorously –not to mention publicly– scratch your balls for the hundredth time is quite the turn on. Yes. Yes, we can have sex tonight.

Last week when having dialog with Jill Smokler on another topic, I asked her to weigh in on the matter at hand. Scary Mommy is famously honest and here’s her message:

“It’s the little things. Or, at least not ‘hearing’ them. If you plan on seducing me in the bedroom, it would greatly help your chances of success if you shut the adjacent bathroom door while you use it. Hearing a play by play of exactly what’s transpiring in there doesn’t exactly get me in the mood three seconds later.”

My close girlfriends and I realized long ago men believe they need sex on demand or they’ll die. And I’ve heard from more than one that women are responsible for decreasing the life span of men and exponentially increasing their susceptibility to life-threatening illness each time we answer the question with no.

Dude, what ever happened to the back-massage-for-coitus-approach? Seriously. I would totally prefer a well-timed quid pro quo tactic.

  • Johnlyn

    Oh my goodness – totally giggling here this morning. You sooooo totally rock!!!

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      Thanks! Glad you enjoyed!

  • Beth

    Totally cracked me up! My sex life used to be like this…now I have a solution! Get your hubbies to become Dish Network installers (or DirectTV, choose your own poison) and they will be way too tired to ask for anything but dinner…and sometimes not even that!

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      Hi Beth, I’m thrilled you got a chuckle. Love your solution. If only that could work for all of us! :)

  • Richelle

    My husband likes to stand behind me and grope me while I make dinner, or am cleaning the hurricane of toys our house has become and ask me if we can have sex tonight. Yes Hun, please fondle me as I lean over a hot stove, with boogers in my hair, and spit up on my shirt, I feel ever so sexy, and am immediately turned on.

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      Ha! I totally love the boogers in the hair part, Richelle! Thank you for stopping by. Hope to see you back soon! :)

  • http://monica-adayinthelife.blogspot.com/ Monica DeLaCruz

    HI-larious and spot on! omg that made me laugh. thank you!

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      Glad you liked, Monica! We’ve got to laugh at this stuff to maintain sanity, right? :)

  • http://www.mama-writes.com Anna

    It’s funny how some people really think that things happen like they do on television or movies, when in fact I think women, especially moms, relate much more to your story. Hilarious post, thanks for sharing!

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      I know what you’re saying about believing things happen as they do on TV and movies, Anna. Sometimes I think my hubby is one of those people! Ha! Thank you for commenting, as always. :)

  • http://daintymom.com Martine | Work at Home Mom Writer

    Lol. High-fiving with ya on the 14 hour lead time after laundry.
    Though, to tell you the truth, the hubby wasn’t the one who asked last night. Haha. Let’s just say the answer in that case is always a resounding YES ;)

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      You go, mama! I’m so glad you stopped by, Martine. :)

      • http://daintymom.com Martine | Work at Home Mom Writer

        It’s been a CRAZY week, Kelli. I’m so glad you wrote this, I needed a good, long laugh. Oh, will be emailing you, too! I just realize I never replied to Twitter the other week.

        • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

          I know CRAZY, believe me. Look forward to your email.

  • http://jenniferdawnmclucas.com/making-my-marriage-matter-in-2012/ Jennifer Dawn McLucas

    Woo-hoo Kelli! I was so excited to find your post here today. I loved it and giggled a little but I feel a little awkward responding… My husband has never, in 13 years of marriage, asked me for sex! Oddly, now I kinda wish he would, lol. ;)

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      My site is a “safe place.” Meaning, we can be open and candid in our conversations without judgement. I know sex is one of the hardest topics to open up about and it’s also okay not to. But may I just say wow! Never in 13 years? Careful what you wish for! ;)

      • http://jenniferdawnmclucas.com/making-my-marriage-matter-in-2012/ Jennifer Dawn McLucas

        I asked him about it… He says he never asks anyone for anything (true, he doesn’t), he’d rather make it seem like it was their idea. So it seems that even after 13 years I’m still very easily manipulated, LOL!

  • http://grittygrace.com martha brady

    very funny! laughed and laughed:) noted a touch of resentment! ha-ha.

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      I’m so glad you enjoyed with laughter. Resentment? Nah. Just some good old fun! :)

  • http://mommetime.me/ Amy

    ahem … I cannot relate … Bahahahaha … great post!

    Men must be cut from the same cloth — lol

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      It does seem as though the guys are cut from the same, eh? I’m sure they’d say the same about us. And of course, I would always argue that point. LOL ;)

  • http://bibsandbaubles.com Cam – Bibs & Baubles

    Hilarious!!! Thanks for writing this. I needed the laugh!

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      So glad you got a laugh, Cam! Thanks for stopping by!

  • http://www.northwestmommy.com Stasha

    You tell em’ Kelli :)

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      Ha! I try to but you know how selective hearing works, right? ;)

  • Sue

    Haha this is so true. Do you think men would be so keen for sex if they stayed home all day looking after the kids? Thanks for the laugh. Found you through the FNF blog hop.

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      Thanks for stopping by and enjoying the post, Sue!

  • http://mysavinggame.com Michelle

    WOW you hit the nail right on the head! It got me laughing and saying “Amen sista” and “PREACH IT GIRL!” coming over from the FNF blog hop! ;)

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      LOL Thanks so much, Michelle! Glad you stopped by. :)

  • Anthony

    Okay….I really have to ask, are husbands really this clueless? Now please do not misunderstand me, I am not a traitor to my gender, but I do wonder about some things. First of all, yes, we will indeed die if sex is not readily available. It’s what we think about pretty much all day for a variety of reasons. We still remember you when you had a raging libido and we of course like to live there mentally and believe that nothing has changed. It also is a wonderful source of stress relief. My wife once told me that she has noticed when everything in the world is good, then everything in bed is good to her. She also stated that when everything in bed is good, then everything in the world is good for me. Now I ask you, is God not that kid with a magnifying glass and we’re all the ants?
    But are men really this clueless? I have of course shared in the frustration of my wife saying no about sex. Granted, I did not ask while she was doing a household chore or in, “mommy mode” because mommy’s don’t have sex….mommy’s are remains of what used to be a sex craved woman that learned what happens when you crave sex; children.
    But I have at least learned to set the stage, or in other words, make the outcome more in my favor. I help with the kids, I cook, I clean, I do laundry. I try to take every household chore, child task and share it with her. I then give her the back rub ( of course ) BUT……just to mess with her, I won’t ask for sex that night because she thinks I’m going to. But I’ll use my best Rico-Suave moves the following night. This usually works.
    But really…….are men still really this clueless?? Please tell me that they are not and that they have learned to use both cerebral and penile thought in conjunction?

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      First let me just say, you rock! I love that you joined this “momversation.” I’m not yet convinced of the ability for simultaneous use of cerebral and penile thought. For me, it really boils down to the timing and, as you indicated, “setting the stage.” Setting the stage isn’t about flowers and chocolates or dinner out sans kids. I believe it’s about providing [non-sexual] attention and support throughout the day. Oh. And doing the laundry. ;)
      Welcome to Sweetness of Life & Motherhood, Anthony!

      • Anthony

        Well I think that all of us, including both men and women, assumes that the other person thinks and infers things the same as we do. I can’t tell you how many times my wife has assumed something based upon what I have said and it’s not even close to the original context of what I said. I’ve told her to not assume that I speak like most women and read between the lines; I’m a fairly literal person. But likewise, I also know that she does read between the lines and try to orchestrate my words to her so that they are inferred correctly in the context that I stated.
        To us men, YES! Sex cures absolutely everything! I think it may even cure some third world diseases, but I haven’t acquired that solid proof yet. Us men are turned on through our eyes and are pretty much ready for it despite what ever environment that we are in. We think compartmentally and we stupidly assume that you women do as well.

        Don’t get me wrong….I still do not always understand the rationale behind some of my wife’s words and / or actions. But I don’t always need to either. After 20 + years of marriage, 4 kids ( 21, 18, 4, & 2 ) I have learned that she cannot just switch over to a sexual mode after being in mommy. More or less, we have to preheat the oven before anything is baked!

        • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

          Mars/Venus?

          …we have to preheat the oven…

          Love this! I’m going to try the line on my hubby. :)

  • Gina

    I’ve been married five years, second for both of us and we brought two kids each to the equation. We went right from newly weds to co-parenting (with hugely different styles) and both of us have full time jobs. To say that the “honeymoon” phase went out the window fast is a major understatement. Needless to say that I resented the quick jump from holding hands while gazing loving into each others eyes to getting groped while trying to whip up some culinary masterpiece to feed 5 different palates.

    About a year ago we had a night out by ourselves and as we yawned our way through dinner my husband delicately (cough) informed me that we hadn’t had sex in five weeks. No, impossible, how could that be? I started mentally going back through my calendar and holy cow, five weeks! As I sat there and thought about it I came to the startling realization that he also had done nothing to instigate sex – not a single grope, not even a dirty joke. For every time I got annoyed with the bad timing of his advances before I suddenly and fearfully panicked about the sudden lack of them.

    When he told me that he was hurt by the continuous rejection I knew if things didn’t change it would only be a matter of time until he gave up on me entirely. He offered up a solution – total control of our sex life. How I want it, when I want it, how I want him to treat me in and out of bed, etc. Years of being a single parent made it hard for me to give up control in a lot of ways but he understood that part of me. Like a gift, he gave me control of everything and it was only in that moment I realized I always had it! We women all do, we control the yes or no in every aspect of our relationship.

    The difference was the acknowledgement, it was a gift that said “I see who you are and what you need from me”. To say that our romantic life has been completely transformed is a major understatement.

    • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

      Awesome stuff. Thanks for weighing in, Gina!

  • http://www.calibamamom.com/ Calibamamom

    You have taken the words right out of my mouth! Couldn’t agree more. Love your candidness, which is why I have nominated you for The Versatile Blogger Award. For more info, check it out here: http://calibamamom.wordpress.com/2012/04/11/versatile-me-really-now/

    Have a wonderful night!
    Nancy

    • http://SweetnessOfLife.com/ Kelli

      Thanks so much, Nancy!

  • http://www.calibamamom.com/ Calibamamom

    You have taken the words right out of my mouth! Couldn’t agree more. Love your candidness, which is why I have nominated you for The Versatile Blogger Award. For more info, check it out here: http://calibamamom.wordpress.com/2012/04/11/versatile-me-really-now/

    Have a wonderful night!
    Nancy

    • http://kellihood.com/ Kelli Nelson

      Thanks so much, Nancy!

  • http://www.mydishwasherspossessed.blogspot.com/ Kathyradigan

    I was checking out your great site and stumbled on this post! Good for you for tackling such a touchy subject!! I read somewhere that when it comes to sex men were microwaves and women were crockpots! I have found this to be pretty accurate after 19 years of marriage! Thanks for a great, fun piece. I’m now happily following you!

    • http://SweetnessOfLife.com/ Kelli

      Thank you, Kathy! I had to chuckle when I saw the name of your blog. Love it! 

  • http://www.mydishwasherspossessed.blogspot.com/ Kathyradigan

    I was checking out your great site and stumbled on this post! Good for you for tackling such a touchy subject!! I read somewhere that when it comes to sex men were microwaves and women were crockpots! I have found this to be pretty accurate after 19 years of marriage! Thanks for a great, fun piece. I’m now happily following you!

    • http://kellihood.com/ Kelli Nelson

      Thank you, Kathy! I had to chuckle when I saw the name of your blog. Love it! 

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  • http://www.theideagirlblog.com/ Audrey

    LOL! This is absoLUTELY true! I had to read it to my husband, he laughed and then said “Wait…is that true?” regarding the back massage part at the end. *eyeroll*  #UBP12

    • http://SweetnessOfLife.com/ Kelli

      LOL It’s awesome that he got a laugh, too! :)

  • http://www.theideagirlblog.com/ Audrey

    LOL! This is absoLUTELY true! I had to read it to my husband, he laughed and then said “Wait…is that true?” regarding the back massage part at the end. *eyeroll*  #UBP12

    • http://kellihood.com/ Kelli Nelson

      LOL It’s awesome that he got a laugh, too! :)

  • Loving Husband

    Take heart ladies. As we guys get older we eventually catch on: “Oh, dear, you look exhausted this evening. Hard day at work? Let me finish the dinner while you take this glass of wine to the living room and spend time with that book you’ve been trying to finish.” Then wait until she makes the first move. Sex then is a mutually fatastic experience.

    • http://SweetnessOfLife.com/ Kelli

      There it is! Now that’s something to look forward to… I think you really hit the nail on the head. Thanks so much for stopping by. Hope you’ll come back again to share more from a Loving Husband’s perspective! :)

  • Loving Husband

    Take heart ladies. As we guys get older we eventually catch on: “Oh, dear, you look exhausted this evening. Hard day at work? Let me finish the dinner while you take this glass of wine to the living room and spend time with that book you’ve been trying to finish.” Then wait until she makes the first move. Sex then is a mutually fatastic experience.

    • http://kellihood.com/ Kelli Nelson

      There it is! Now that’s something to look forward to… I think you really hit the nail on the head. Thanks so much for stopping by. Hope you’ll come back again to share more from a Loving Husband’s perspective! :)

  • Donna George

    Or how about the fact that he hasn’t even held your hand in what seems like forever, but sure, let me just get naked and open my legs. He’s managed to ignore me completely for a while, but all of sudden, I’m supposed to find him irresistible. Not that I don’t love him, but what happened to cuddling and holding hands?

    • http://SweetnessOfLife.com/ Kelli

      I can totally understand, Donna. :)

  • Donna George

    Or how about the fact that he hasn’t even held your hand in what seems like forever, but sure, let me just get naked and open my legs. He’s managed to ignore me completely for a while, but all of sudden, I’m supposed to find him irresistible. Not that I don’t love him, but what happened to cuddling and holding hands?

    • http://kellihood.com/ Kelli Nelson

      I can totally understand, Donna. :)

  • David AndTracey Hauser

    After 15 years and 2 teens my husband and I have a agreement, as long as I don’t have to roll over and he doesn’t wake me up do as you please!!

    • http://SweetnessOfLife.com/ Kelli

      Too funny! Thanks for sharing. Stop back soon! :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/DavidandTraceyHauser David AndTracey Hauser

    After 15 years and 2 teens my husband and I have a agreement, as long as I don’t have to roll over and he doesn’t wake me up do as you please!!

    • http://kellihood.com/ Kelli Nelson

      Too funny! Thanks for sharing. Stop back soon! :)

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  • Me

    Where are these men?  Seriously, my current and prior two relationships involve men who either couldn’t care less whether they have sex or are out and out anti-sexual.  Where are these men who actually WANT sex?  Because I do.  And I am tired of being the beggar.  The stereotype cannot possibly be as prevalent as the media makes it out to be, because many of my friends and coworkers experience the same things I am experiencing.

    I know of one couple who made an agreement – he’d have sex with her until they had the baby she wanted, and then she was to leave him alone.  Forever.  

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_YKJB5LIYCBK2UFF6NIWN3QVDCU Jade

      Lord, that’s miserable. 

  • Me

    Where are these men?  Seriously, my current and prior two relationships involve men who either couldn’t care less whether they have sex or are out and out anti-sexual.  Where are these men who actually WANT sex?  Because I do.  And I am tired of being the beggar.  The stereotype cannot possibly be as prevalent as the media makes it out to be, because many of my friends and coworkers experience the same things I am experiencing.

    I know of one couple who made an agreement – he’d have sex with her until they had the baby she wanted, and then she was to leave him alone.  Forever.  

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_YKJB5LIYCBK2UFF6NIWN3QVDCU Jade

      Lord, that’s miserable. 

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  • http://socialmediasun.com/ Adam Justice

    re: quid pro quo

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  • http://www.serendipityissweet.com Serendipity is Sweet

    Oh I am so relieved. My husband has been trying to convince me that I’m the only woman on the planet that feels this way. And I totally get the same thing Richelle does. A quick fondle or poke in the bum while doing chores is considered foreplay. And yes, if I decline I’m taking years off of his life.

    Awesome post! :)

  • http://sweetnessoflife.com Kelli

    Thank you! I’m happy you stopped by to read the post and happier you feel a bit of relief. :)